The Secret of Becoming Mentally Strong

Everyone has the ability to build mental strength, but most people don’t know how. We spend a lot of time talking about physical strength and physical health, but much less time on mental strength and mental health. We can choose to perform exercises that will help us learn to regulate our thoughts, manage our emotions, and behave productively despite our circumstances—the 3 basic factors of mental strength. No matter what your goals are, building mental strength is the key to reaching your greatest potential.

I have a Facebook friend whose life seems perfect. She lives in a beautiful house, has a rewarding career, and her weekends are filled with exciting adventures with her family. It always looks as if they have a professional photographer following them, capturing their every moment in the most stunning way. She constantly posts about how blessed and grateful she is, and it’s clear that she truly means it. How many of you have a friend like that? And how many of you, at times, find yourself feeling a little envious or annoyed by them? It’s natural, but that way of thinking comes with a cost. That’s what I want to talk about today—the cost of our bad habits and the mental traps they set for us.

Maybe you scroll through social media, roll your eyes, and think it’s harmless, just a momentary reaction. But studies show that envying your friends online can actually lead to depression. It’s one of the traps our minds can set for us. Have you ever complained about your boss or compared yourself to your friends, thinking, “Why do they have all the luck?” It might feel like a small thing, but this mindset eats away at our mental strength. There are three types of destructive beliefs that rob us of our mental power: unhealthy beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world.

The first type is unhealthy beliefs about ourselves. It’s when we feel sorry for ourselves, magnifying our misfortunes, and asking, “Why me?” This keeps us stuck, focused on the problem rather than finding solutions. Even if you can’t fix a situation, you can always take steps to make your life or someone else’s life better. But you can’t do that when you’re stuck in self-pity. The second type of destructive belief is about others. We think other people control us, and we give away our power by saying things like, “I have to work late” or “My mother-in-law drives me crazy.” But the truth is, as adults, we always have choices. You decide how to respond, and you hold the power.

The third unhealthy belief is about the world. We expect life to reward us for our hard work, but the world doesn’t owe us anything. Thinking that success should just come to us will only lead to disappointment. Giving up bad mental habits is hard, but you can’t afford to hold onto them because life will challenge you, and you’ll need all the mental strength you can muster.

I learned this firsthand when I was 23. My life seemed perfect—I had just finished grad school, landed my first job as a therapist, got married, and bought a house. Everything was going great until one day, I got a call from my sister that changed everything. My mother, who was only 51 and had no history of health problems, had been found unresponsive and rushed to the hospital. She had suffered a brain aneurysm and passed away within 24 hours. Losing my mother was devastating, and even though I was trained as a therapist, nothing prepared me for that kind of grief.

Three years later, on the anniversary of my mother’s death, my husband Lincoln and I decided to attend a basketball game with friends. It was held in the same auditorium where I had last seen my mother, and although I was nervous about going back, we went and had a good time. But later that night, Lincoln suddenly collapsed at home. He had a heart attack and passed away at just 26 years old, leaving me a widow with no mother to lean on. It was the most painful period of my life, and I realized that when life gets tough, good habits alone aren’t enough to pull you through. Small, destructive habits can hold you back in ways you don’t even realize.

A few years later, I met and married Steve, and we started a new life together. But not long after we got married, we learned that Steve’s dad had terminal cancer. It felt like another crushing blow, and I found myself slipping into old patterns, asking, “Why do I keep losing people I love?” But I knew from experience that this kind of thinking would only hold me back. So I sat down and wrote a list of all the things mentally strong people don’t do. I needed that list as a reminder because shortly after writing it, Steve’s dad passed away.

Through these experiences, I learned that mental strength is like physical strength—you need good habits but also need to give up the bad ones. If you want to be mentally strong, you have to stop resenting other people’s success and focus on what you can control. It’s not easy to let go of bad habits, but it starts with recognizing the unhealthy beliefs we carry and replacing them with healthier ones.

Unhealthy beliefs about ourselves often come from our discomfort with emotions like sadness or anger. Instead of facing those feelings, we host pity parties or try to distract ourselves, but that only prolongs the pain. The only way to move on is to go through those emotions, feel them, and then let them go. Unhealthy beliefs about others come from comparing ourselves to them, thinking they have power over us or that we can control them. But the only person you should compare yourself to is who you were yesterday. Finally, unhealthy beliefs about the world stem from our desire for fairness, but the world isn’t fair. Understanding that can be liberating because it means you’re not doomed to keep suffering—your world is what you make it.

I once worked with a man who had diabetes and believed he was doomed to suffer the same fate as his mother, who had died from complications of the disease. He had stopped managing his blood sugar, and his vision was deteriorating. But with one small step—giving up his two-liter-a-day Pepsi habit—he started to see improvements. That small success led him to make more changes, and eventually, he even regained his driver’s license. His story shows that change is possible, and it all starts with one small step.

So, I invite you to think about what bad mental habits might be holding you back. What unhealthy beliefs are keeping you from being as mentally strong as you could be? And what’s one small step you can take today to start changing that? Thank you.”

Our bad mental habits often seem insignificant in the moment. We roll our eyes, complain about our circumstances, or feel sorry for ourselves, thinking it’s no big deal. But over time, these small habits chip away at our mental strength, leaving us less resilient and less capable of handling life’s challenges. Just like physical strength requires regular exercise and avoiding unhealthy foods, mental strength requires good habits and the conscious effort to eliminate bad ones. And it’s important to understand that while building good habits is essential, they won’t be enough if you continue to let destructive patterns persist in your life.

One of the biggest obstacles to mental strength is the belief that our circumstances define us. We often think, “I can’t help the way I feel because of what I’m going through.” But mental strength is not about what happens to us—it’s about how we respond to what happens. Life will throw curveballs at you, but you have the power to choose your response. You can either let circumstances control you, or you can take control of your own mindset and behavior.

In my own life, I’ve faced significant loss and adversity. Losing my mother and my husband, and later my father-in-law, tested every ounce of my mental strength. But in those moments of grief and hardship, I realized that I had a choice: I could either succumb to the pain or I could use it as fuel to become stronger. It wasn’t easy, and there were many days when I wanted to give up. But through it all, I held onto the belief that I had the power to shape my own life, no matter how much loss I had experienced.

Mental strength doesn’t mean that you never feel sad, anxious, or overwhelmed. It’s not about pretending that everything is fine when it’s not. Instead, mental strength is about acknowledging your emotions, allowing yourself to feel them, and then choosing to move forward despite them. It’s about recognizing that life isn’t always fair and that bad things happen to good people, but that doesn’t mean you’re powerless. You have the ability to take charge of your own life, even in the face of adversity.

I’ve worked with many people who, like my diabetic client, believed they were stuck in their circumstances. They thought they were powerless to change their situation, and as a result, they didn’t even try. But when they took just one small step toward change—whether it was giving up a sugary drink, setting a new goal, or challenging a negative thought—their world began to shift. Those small changes built momentum, and over time, they transformed their lives.

The truth is, we are all capable of far more than we think. Our mental habits, both good and bad, play a huge role in shaping our reality. If we can identify and eliminate the bad habits that hold us back—like self-pity, blaming others, and expecting life to be fair—we can open ourselves up to new possibilities. We can become mentally stronger and more resilient, capable of handling whatever life throws our way.

So today, I challenge you to take a hard look at your own mental habits. Are there beliefs you’re holding onto that are keeping you stuck? Are you giving away your power by blaming your circumstances or the people around you? And what’s one small step you can take today to start building your mental strength? It doesn’t have to be a big change—just one small step can make all the difference. Whether it’s shifting your mindset, setting a new goal, or letting go of a toxic belief, that one small step can set you on a path toward a stronger, more resilient you.

Thank you for listening, and I hope that today you feel inspired to take control of your mental strength and begin the journey toward becoming the best version of yourself.

As you begin this journey toward building mental strength, remember that progress doesn’t happen overnight. Just like physical fitness requires consistent effort, mental strength takes time, patience, and persistence. You’ll face setbacks along the way, and there will be days when you slip back into old habits. But that’s okay—what matters is that you don’t give up.

One of the most important things you can do is to become more aware of your thoughts and how they influence your emotions and actions. Pay attention to the patterns of thinking that keep you stuck. For example, do you tend to dwell on things that have gone wrong? Do you compare yourself to others and feel inadequate? Or do you tell yourself that things will never get better, so why even try? These thoughts might seem harmless, but over time, they shape your mindset and prevent you from reaching your full potential.

When you notice yourself falling into these negative thought patterns, challenge them. Ask yourself if they’re really true, or if they’re just stories you’ve been telling yourself for so long that you’ve come to believe them. Often, the beliefs that hold us back are based on assumptions rather than facts. By questioning these beliefs, you can start to break free from them.

It’s also crucial to develop habits that strengthen your mental resilience. One of the most powerful habits is practicing gratitude. When you focus on what you’re thankful for, it shifts your mindset away from what’s lacking in your life and toward what’s abundant. Gratitude can help you feel more content, even in difficult times. Another habit is setting realistic goals and taking small steps toward achieving them. Each small win builds confidence and reinforces your belief that you can create positive change in your life.

Additionally, be mindful of how you talk to yourself. Your inner dialogue has a profound impact on your mental strength. If you constantly criticize yourself or focus on your mistakes, you’ll chip away at your confidence. Instead, practice self-compassion. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend who’s going through a tough time. This doesn’t mean you should avoid taking responsibility for your actions, but it does mean recognizing that you’re human and that making mistakes is part of the learning process.

Surround yourself with people who support your journey. Mental strength isn’t something you have to build alone. The people you spend time with influence your mindset, so choose to be around those who uplift and encourage you, rather than those who drain your energy or reinforce negative thinking. Find a community that shares your goals and values, and lean on them for support when you need it.

It’s also important to take care of your physical health. Your mind and body are interconnected, so neglecting your physical well-being can impact your mental resilience. Exercise regularly, eat nourishing foods, get enough sleep, and practice mindfulness or meditation to reduce stress. When your body is strong and healthy, it’s easier to manage the challenges that life throws at you.

Lastly, don’t be afraid to seek professional help if you need it. Building mental strength is a lifelong journey, and sometimes we all need a little extra support along the way. Therapy can be a valuable tool for helping you understand your thought patterns, develop healthier coping mechanisms, and overcome the obstacles that are holding you back. There’s no shame in asking for help—taking that step shows incredible strength and self-awareness.

As you continue on this path, remember that mental strength isn’t about being perfect or never feeling pain. It’s about resilience—about bouncing back when life knocks you down, about choosing growth over stagnation, and about believing in your ability to create the life you want, no matter what challenges come your way. You have the power to change your habits, change your mindset, and ultimately change your life.

So as you leave here today, ask yourself: What’s one small step you can take right now to strengthen your mental resilience? It could be as simple as changing a negative thought into a positive one, reaching out to a supportive friend, or taking five minutes to practice gratitude. Whatever it is, take that step, and keep moving forward. Because with every small step, you’re building the mental strength you need to not just survive, but to thrive.

Thank you again for listening, and I wish you all the best on your journey to becoming mentally strong and resilient.