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I want to share a book that has profoundly transformed my life. I know it’s a cliché in the self-development world to say something “changed your life,” but The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga, based on the teachings of Alfred Adler, has genuinely helped me address insecurities, improve relationships, release past trauma, boost confidence, and find happiness. That’s a bold claim, but let me explain how it’s done this through seven personal problems I faced and the solutions the book offers.
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The Philosophy of Alfred Adler
Alfred Adler, one of the three giants of 20th-century psychology alongside Freud and Jung, had a unique perspective. Unlike his peers, Adler believed we’re driven not by past traumas but by the goals we set in the present. We act based on the life we want, not the one we’ve had. This idea flips conventional psychology on its head, and it’s the foundation for the solutions below.
Problem 1: Constant Comparison to Others
As a content creator, I’ve struggled with comparing myself to others—views, subscribers, ideas—it’s a trap. Social media amplifies this, showcasing countless people doing amazing things, leaving us feeling insecure and uninspired. Why try when others seem better?
Solution: Adler suggests competition is a construct we impose. Comparing creates “vertical” relationships, where someone is above or below, fueling anxiety and isolation. Instead, adopt “horizontal” relationships, seeing everyone as equals. When I stopped trying to outdo others and focused on being myself, the pressure eased. I could celebrate others’ success without feeling diminished, realizing the “race” was in my mind.
Problem 2: Being Too Hard on Ourselves
Many of us believe only those with natural talent or charisma succeed, leading to self-doubt. Personally, I’ve felt inarticulate compared to polished YouTubers, using this to fuel an internal narrative that I’m not good enough.
Solution: Adler’s quote, “The important thing is not what one is born with, but what use one makes of that equipment,” shifted my perspective. We all have strengths and weaknesses, but success lies in how we use what we have. For me, this meant planning videos thoroughly, leaning into my filmmaking style, and editing out flaws. Embracing my strengths shaped my unique approach, proving limitations can spark creativity.
Problem 3: Obsessing About the Future
We often view life as a series of milestones—graduate, get a job, buy a house—always chasing the next goal. This makes the present feel insignificant, but if you’re always living for what’s next, when do you live?
Solution: Adler reframes life as a series of present moments, not a linear race. Life is a collection of “dots,” not a finish line. Focusing on the now—being present—doesn’t mean abandoning goals but prioritizing today. An old Matt Damon interview about winning an Oscar echoed this: chasing milestones only to realize in old age that you missed life is heartbreaking. Live for each moment.
Problem 4: Letting Self-Doubt Stop Growth
It’s normal to feel inadequate in skills or relationships, but how we respond matters. Adler identifies two limiting reactions: an inferiority complex (believing you’re hopeless and giving up) or a superiority complex (overcompensating to mask insecurities).
Solution: Use feelings of inferiority as fuel for growth. Recognizing areas for improvement isn’t negative—it drives progress. Instead of saying, “I’m bad at this,” say, “I’m not great yet, but I can improve.” This mindset turns limitations into opportunities. I’m not the best listener, but I can grow. Accepting this tension fosters resilience.
Problem 5: Trying to Control Others
I’ve been a people-pleaser, obsessively trying to avoid criticism in my videos by softening ideas or overthinking comments. This stems from wanting everyone to like me, a common trap that sacrifices authenticity.
Solution: Adler’s “distribution of tasks” concept is powerful. Your task is to live authentically, not to make others like you or prevent their upset. Others’ reactions are their responsibility, not yours. This freed me to be honest, even in controversial videos. When I shared my political views and some viewers unsubscribed, I didn’t feel compelled to defend myself—it wasn’t my task. This clarity builds confidence.
Problem 6: Letting the Past Define Us
Despite a relatively easy life, the sleep deprivation after my son’s birth left me depressed and my wife with PTSD. I clung to this trauma, playing the victim long after it passed.
Solution: Adler’s bold claim—“trauma does not exist”—means past events don’t control your present. It’s not the event but the meaning we assign to it that shapes us. Letting go of my trauma, I saw it as a lesson in empathy and resilience, even sparking joy in my work again. As Adler says, “As long as one continues to use one’s misfortune to feel special, one will always need that misfortune.” Releasing that need transformed my perspective.
Problem 7: Wanting to Be Liked by Everyone
Many problems—comparison, people-pleasing—stem from interpersonal relationships. Adler believed all issues are, at their core, relational. The desire to be liked can stifle authenticity, as we conform to avoid rejection.
Solution: The book’s title, The Courage to Be Disliked, encapsulates the solution. It’s not about being rude but about not letting fear of disapproval dictate your life. Small acts—like saying no to obligations or expressing honest opinions—build authenticity. Being disliked is a natural outcome of being yourself, and that’s okay. This courage attracts people who value the real you.
Final Thoughts
The Courage to Be Disliked is a game-changer, offering practical wisdom to live freely. If these ideas resonate, I highly recommend the book or audiobook—links are below. For more personal development insights, sign up for my weekly newsletter at mattella.com/newsletter to receive my unreleased film, Unstuck, about building a meaningful life. Adler’s philosophy isn’t just theory—it’s a roadmap to confidence, connection, and happiness.
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